So here goes….
I feel like this last week has consisted of lots of frustration. Starting at new job, and figuring out that you really don’t know much about anything in the beginning. Learning new things, and trying to do them correctly, but doing them wrong. Getting into fights with my mom because we’re both so tired and don’t feel like trying to do something new at the end of the day. Problems with who does what around the house after a very long day of work for us. Figuring out how the hell to fill out the CampusFrance application that I need to complete for a visa. Filling out four whole sections and then having the system log you out and losing all of the info you just wrote. I swear to god, the application process for this French visa is one of the most difficult and frustrating things in the world. And on top of it all, not having the correct documents to mail in time. OH! And then, when your grandmother helps, she is really just restating herself 100+ times in a row. I love her to death, but I can only take hearing the same thing one or two times. After that point it just feels like she thinks I’m dumb and cannot process anything. I understand this entire thing is important—very important—I am doing this. But with all of the stress and frustration lately, I can’t help but lash out when someone’s intended help seems to be more of a process of babying me.
I don’t need, nor do I want to be babied. If you just told me once that I am doing something wrong I will fix it. But when you tell me many times the same thing over, I lash out and become upset…I take it personally, even if I shouldn’t, because in those situations it makes me feel like I am dumb and the person can’t trust me to do a single task. After lashing out a bit today, I felt very bad. I knew you were only doing your best to help me, because you want me to go to France. You want me to make it happen for yourself. But I don’t know how to tell you that you’re over-doing it with every little bit you say 1000003947586945768 times. Right now, I feel guilty that I lashed out at the person who is doing their very best to help me accomplish one of my dreams.
This is me saying I’m sorry, even though I don’t really think you’ll ever read it. This is me apologizing for snapping at you, after you spent an hour of your busy day helping me, when I wasn’t prepared to help myself. I hope you understand. And I really hope there is some way that we can resolve this; so that I don’t have to feel dumb and lash out at you, and you can understand that I know what to do.
I love you and thank you very much for your help today. I did learn some very important things.
It’s 4 am. I just finished writing a little, and I want to write some more. Kind of annoying how all of my energy comes about at this hour of a day. Quite obnoxious really. I wish it would just come about around 2 pm, or right as soon as I wake up. I guess I just find inspiration in the darkest time of the day. Weird how that works, isn’t it?
It has already been such a long day. And I have some plans for tomorrow. Plus, I’m thinking I should probably get on the right track to working out and eating better in the next couple of days. I need to be ready for my new job as a server and all it has to offer. And hopefully I’ll be able to relax a bit as well.
I know I haven’t been blogging much lately. I’ve been kinda busy. But I thought I would let you all know that I am changing this blog into a more personal one. Instead of just blogging whatever, this blog will be more like a journal of my travels and whatnot.
I will be in France for a year starting at the end of the summer, so I’ll be blogging a ton about my experiences over there on this blog.
Thanks so much for reading this; I hope your day is going well.